Reflections
by OveractiveImagination39
Summary: Suzaku Kururugi thinks back over his decision to join Lelouch and follow the Zero Requiem.


_**A.N**. This is my first attempt at writing anything outside of Avatar, but I love this show and have been itching to write something for some time now. I absolutely love Code Geass and think it is probably the best anime I have seen. Though I love Lelouch and consider him my favorite, I have always felt tht Suzaku had to make some pretty tough choices too. And though I know that some people don't like him because he was sort of a jerk for a while there, I still think he's awesome._

_If you are not familiar with Code Geass this will spoil you completely. So go watch it (it's out in english now if you don't like subs) - it is well worth it -then come back and read (please!)._

_If you are a fan of the show, I hope you like this piece. Please let me know what you think._

_Also - to my faithful reviewers of my other stories - I have not given up on them - Summer usually allows me more time to write so hopefully I will get writing more!_

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**Reflections**

He stood by the window staring out over the vision of Tokyo at night. She was a beautiful mistress, adorned in the finest of twinkling jewels; lights set ablaze by the thousands that peaceably called her home. This was what he had fought for all those years ago; this fragile peace that had come at such a high cost. His people, the Japanese, were no longer faceless numbers without a name. They were a proud people once more, and Japan was a strong nation again.

He had sacrificed his youth as well as his future for her, but he knew that it was a small price to pay in the face of the countless numbers of people who had lost their lives during the occupation, and the eventual battle to free her from the clutches of Britannia. So many dreams, so many great plans were destroyed so that humanity could move into the future.

His thoughts turned, as they always did to Euphemia, now dead over sixteen years. She had had visions for a free Japan as well. Her strides to give his people a place of their own was cut short by Lelouch's own hand; murdered for the cause. Her good intentions forever stained because of his Geass and the eventual cover up by her own country. But Lelouch had been right about one thing, his actions during his reign as Emperor of Britannia had caused the people to forget the Massacre Princess. Her actions seemed small in comparison to all the lives lost during the final days of Lelouch's battle for control of the world.

In all the years that had passed since her death, he could still not forgive his former friend for his part in her destruction. He had foolishly thought that ending Lelouch's life would somehow lessen the pain of her loss, but it did nothing to alleviate his burden. She was his first love, his only true love, and he had yet to meet anyone who could match her innocence and compassion. But then it was hard to find a soul who had not been tarnished by the events of fifteen years ago.

Even Nunnally, the most innocent of them all, was never the same after her part in the war. Though outwardly she was still the bright, optimistic girl that she had always been, Lelouch's death had left her with a deep sadness. It was only in their most private moments that she let her mask drop away, and he was given a glimpse of the pain that she still held onto. Sometimes he wondered if she trusted him with the truth of her despair, or if it was only a way of punishing him for the murder of her brother. Though she had forgiven him for his part in Lelouch's death, he understood how hard it was to truly let go of the resentment and anger. Here he was a grown man still harboring hatred for what Lelouch had done to Euphemia. It was understandable that she too would harbor similar feelings towards him.

Still they never talked about it. She acknowledged him as Zero. She never called him by his given name, even though he knew that she understood fully the bargain that he and her brother had struck all those years ago. Maybe it was easier to view him as a faceless man than as her friend and protector, Suzaku Kururugi. She had suffered enough betrayal at the hands of her family. Betrayal by the one friend that she trusted most next to her brother was probably more than she could bear.

So he accepted his role as Zero. He accepted that he would never truly share the closeness that he had once had with Nunnally. He accepted that he would never have any real friends at all. As Lelouch lay dying at Suzaku's own hand, he had told him that this life would be his punishment for his part in all that had happened. He would live forever as Zero, the Knight for Justice. The world would never see him as Suzaku Kururugi again. And he had accepted that fate. He had given up the small pleasures in life so that the world could truly know peace. He had done so willingly. He had accepted Lelouch's "Geass" command on his own accord.

And yet tonight as he stood staring out into the night sky over Tokyo, he questioned his actions those fifteen years earlier. At eighteen he had still been an idealist. Even after all that had happened to Euphemia, Shirley, and the countless other victims of Lelouch's plan, he still believed in the human spirit. He still believed that the end didn't always justify the means. Japan would be free, but at what cost to her people, to the whole world? He understood that he could only bring about his vision for Japan by joining forces with Lelouch. And with the impulsiveness of youth, he accepted his fate.

It was a fate he deserved. He was not without blame in all that had happened. He had killed his own father to try and bring about an end to the fighting. He believed that freedom could be achieved through peaceful means, yet he became a soldier for Britannia. His plans and ideals always seemed to run in conflict with his actions. Still his failures did not justify Lelouch's methods either. Somewhere there had to be a solution, and when Lelouch proposed his ultimate plan, the Zero Requiem, he knew that it was the only way.

He had hated Lelouch for what he had done and for the methods he had used to achieve his goals. He was willing to do whatever it took to see Zero stopped, but upon entering C.C.'s world all that he had believed had been dismantled. The war that Lelouch was fighting went beyond sovereignty for Japan. What Emperor Charles was proposing would destroy humanity as a whole; bending all of their wills to fill some sick idea of happiness. Understanding what was at stake helped to make his decision that day.

Standing by Lelouch hadn't been easy. The world saw him as a traitor. All his friends and comrades turned their backs on him. For the first time he understood what Lelouch had been living with for the past year. He too now wore a mask, just as Zero. The world viewed him one way, but in his heart he was still the loyal son of Japan. He would fight for her and for the freedom of the whole world, and he would do so in the guise of a hated traitor if it meant bringing about peace.

So when Lelouch made his demand of him, doled out his punishment, Suzaku eagerly accepted. The boy of eighteen could not fully understand what he was giving up. Yet Lelouch had given up his life to see his plans fulfilled. Wasn't a life spent hidden behind a mask the lesser of the punishments?

Now he wondered about that. As a man of thirty-three he had spent almost half of his life as someone else. He hid behind the mask, becoming the one person that he despised most. Now though, he understood who Zero was and what he represented to the people of Japan and to the entire world. He still did not agree with Lelouch's methods for achieving his goal, but he saw that Zero was so much more than just a figurehead. He represented hope to the people of the world, and he ensured freedom from absolute rule by any nation or person over the entire planet.

So Suzaku had given up his name, his identity, and his life, to become Zero. It was a punishment he deserved, but still he found it at times almost overwhelming. There were days when he longed to hear someone call him by his name; to hear the words, Suzaku Kururugi, spoken by anyone who knew him. Times where he desired only to be touched. Those silly days of his youth were gone, but he longed for the crazy antics of his days at Ashford. He missed his friends. He missed joking around with them and sharing his dreams with them. He wished he could just once be himself. Just for a day take a walk down the crowded streets of Tokyo without his mask. To be able to enjoy the feel of the sun on his face and smell the aromas of the foods being sold at the markets. He wanted to share those moments with a friend, maybe even a lover. To be able to whisper sweet nothings in his love's ear or to plan for their future together.

But that was a different life, and he would never have those things. He had resigned himself to his life as Zero. He promised to fulfill his end of the bargain, and he would keep that promise. He loved his country, he loved a girl who had died too young, and he would live this life for them. He had done many things in his life that he regretted, but joining forces with Lelouch was not on of them.

This life was not easy, but it was the life he chose. It was who he was. Deep down in his soul he would never change. He would always be Suzaku Kururugi, even if the world only saw him as Zero.


End file.
